He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
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