just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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