i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
