Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
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