You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
