your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
