Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
