One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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