It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
worst night to have a conscience
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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