FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
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