Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Randomize
