just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
