my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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