Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
now i know why i became what i already was.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
