she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
