just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
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