I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
You dont lie about slip and slides
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Randomize
