So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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