I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
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