I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Randomize
