chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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