my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
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