She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
