Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Where is the hickey?
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
