I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
