Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
