I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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