what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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