I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
So much rum. So many feels.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Randomize