You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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