Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
