Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Randomize
