Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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