mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
