What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
