I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
