I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Randomize
