So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Randomize
