I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
