I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Randomize
