We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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