He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
