um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
