I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
