I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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