Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
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