is your mom at the bar?
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
