Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
