my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Randomize
