I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
