On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
No...this little piggys going to the bar
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Randomize
