At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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