No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
You are the jesus of drinking
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
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