yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
So squirting runs in the family.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
