yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
