he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
We are two peas in an std pod
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
We need a shit load of segways right now
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
