thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
