If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Applied 4 a nanny job usin a Legit Site. Xplain to me how the couple I found offered me a 3some complete with 'sexy pics' of the wife blowin hubby. wtf?
obviously you're part succubus.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
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