is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
