Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
