Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
You left your phone here
Wait...
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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