I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
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