It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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