booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
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