Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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